I always prefer being live on stage, he says. Im reading a horror story in Braille. I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.Gary Delaney, I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.Paul F Taylor (2014), My father was never sexist, he beat my brothers and I equally. Njambi McGrath (2016), The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. But Ive got the ins and outs. Iain Stirling, Roses are red, violets are blue, Im a schizophrenic, and so am I. Billy Connolly, My mother told me, you dont have to put anything in your mouth you dont want to. Reason being, things work. Henning When, Im learning the hokey cokey. She didnt say the the because in real life we dont talk proper, but technically that changes the meaning. Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes Its a giraffe, mate. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. What a sad state of affairs. Paul Savage (2017), Im very conflicted by eye tests. The way nationalities have different takes on the same thing. GARY Delaney is the master of the one-liner; a one-man machine gun of gags, which he unleashes on his audiences without mercy. It ended in a tie! 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother. Adam Hess (2016), My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. Darren Walsh (2015), My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, Hurry up! because I didnt want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, The 17 year old defendant, who hasnt been named. Jenny Collier (2016), Ive always considered myself more of a lover than a fighter. You can get a sneak preview when he appears on Live at the Apollo tonight (Thursday) at 10pm, BBC2. Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window), Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window), Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window), Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window), Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window), View fivethingstodotodays profile on Facebook. Four fonts walk into a bar. Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners I can hardly contain myself. 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners </p> <p>You have two parts of the brain, "left" and "right" in the left side, there's nothing right and in the right side, there's nothing left. Read more: Stewart Lee's hilarious defence of political correctness (and weird stuff about raining sharks). I went to the doctors the other day and he said: Go to Bournemouth, its great for flu. So I went and I got it. SEP 05 2020 Harrogate Theatre, Pingback: Trevor Noah Bio, Age, Real Name, Parents, Net Worth and The Daily Show, Pingback: Ilana Glazer Biography, Age, Brother, Husband, The Planet is Burning, Tour, Pingback: Sarah Millican Biography, Age, Husband, Books, Net Worth and Comedy, Email: Their follow-up album, Blood, Sweat & Tears 3, also . Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners But my husband wouldnt let me.RiaLina, Money cant buy you happiness? Review your material constantly. Why did the man run around his bed? Jan 14 2023 Gary Delaney : Gary in Punderland 105 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe. Doomed to fail, How to listen to Greatest Hits Radio on FM and DAB, and when Ken Bruce starts, Where the mid-morning show host is going next and what he's said, How to get Madonna's London O2 tickets and full list of tour dates and venues, 'We know less about the things around us than ever before': Pico Iyer on five decades of travel, On TV tonight, cutting-edge operations in Surgeons: At the Edge of Life, Do not sell or share my personal information. Gary Delaney (born 16 April 1973) is an English writer and stand-up comedian. Jokes I tweet didn't make the grade for live shows. The group's self-titled second album spent seven weeks atop the U.S. charts, spun off three Top 5 hit singles, and won the Grammy Award for Album of the Year in 1970. Looking for a side hustle? How do you know if theres an elephant under your bed? Thats me in the corner. Milton Jones, Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day.Would you buy a second-hand car from this man? they asked.Would you buy a second-hand car? I replied. Miles Jupp, With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. If you do gags, you live and die by their quality, so you have to make them good. Asking for a friend. Steve Bugeja (2016), I wanted to do a show about feminism. Its been 11 years since Dave launched the Funniest Joke of the Fringe award, and there have been some worthy winners over the years. Read more: Red, Red Wine to flow at Blenheim Palace as festival given a reggae twist. I hardly ever visit Syria. Alex Horne, A spa hotel? He is excellent at the One-Liner and we get a compilation of some r. The high quantity of stand out gags leaves the audience struggling to remember them all. Between us, something smells! 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Hot Water Comedy All Stars is now on a UK tour coming to a city near you - linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyallstarsBecome a YouTube member to access all live streams and exclusive extra weekly podcast episodes at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCG1QXvv8CME3I6yts0IevTA/join YouTube members can now LIVE STREAM all of our regular Hot Water Comedy Club shows with over 10 stand up shows every single week streaming LIVE from the world famous Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool. I recently entered a competition to see whos gained the most weight and lost the most hair. New tour Gary in Punderland on sale, new dates added. www . But some of us are short. Lou Sanders (2018), Someone stole my antidepressants. While much of his time is spent performing in front of the camera, he admits nothing comes close to playing live. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Here are 60 funny, clever, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion. Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. Theres a name for itJimeoin, I have two boys, 5 and 6. 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults What do you call an alligator in a vest? 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes Its a Saturday.Dominic Frisby (2016), Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, Theres a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of himCarey Marx (2008), Miley Cyrus. JUN 27 2020 Funhouse Comedy Club 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling Why do bees have sticky hair? Hes bisatchel. Now I can ride a motorbike, hows that going to help? Eric Lampaert. Gary Delaney is a stand-up comedian and writer from the United Kingdom. ' Alan Carr, 105 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds, My phone will ring at 2am and my wifell look at me and go, Whos that calling at this time? I say, I dont know. Please report any comments that break our rules. Badness by Gary Jubelin . One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. The study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry. Just hope I can pull it off. William Andrews (2018), Words cant express how much I hate World Emoji Day. Christian Talbot (2018), When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. Olaf Falafel (2018), Thing is, we all just want to belong. Im excited to see how they turn out. Leeds, The Original Oak Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds. 2. Well he can take his hat off for a start! 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I dont know what he laced them with, but Ive been tripping all day. Its okay. I'm raising money for the Mind charity here -. Edit, improve, tweak, experiment, keep what works. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? If you are dissatisfied with the response provided you can Hes not dead, just very condescending.Jack Whitehall, Trumps nothing like Hitler. 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley Age One Liners. United Kingdom garydelaney.com Joined March 2009 2021 Twitter About Help Center Terms Privacy policy Cookies Ads info Gary Delaney @GaryDelaney Follow @GaryDelaney Yes. An investigator! If I dont pay it back, Im going to get repossessed. Olaf Falafel (2018), In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. . I rang her up and said: Did you get my drift?, A sandwich walks into a bar. He woke up. That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine (2011), I have downloaded this new app. Twitter: @BiographyScoop All rights reserved. 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips Thats 20 cowsJake Lambert (2019), A thesaurus is great. Suggs just asked me what my preferred pronouns are. GARY Delaney is the master of the one-liner; a one-man machine gun of gags, which he unleashes on his audiences without mercy. He appeared on Mock the Week in July 2012. 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes I laughed my backside off and when I knew he was going to be in Winchester, I just had to be there. Youd always get some bloke complaining that he couldnt see the screen. But my husband wouldnt let me. RiaLina (2014), One thing youll never hear a Hindu say Ah well, you only live once.Hardeep Singh Kohli (2014), My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. 1.4M views, 9.6K likes, 306 loves, 931 comments, 3.1K shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Gary Delaney: This Summer I recorded two old tour shows LIVE at Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool. Which is like the manflu but worse because I also regularly have periods and I get paid less. Sofie Hagen (2016), Kim Kardashian tried to break the internet. 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes Street Date: October 22, 2019. Its great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if youve put on weight. 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before One says: How do you drive this thing? Theres just you and an audience and no editor to cut out the bits that dont work. Site by Chook, Pundamentalist: 1,000 jokes you probably haven't heard before. And dont apologise, ever. What do you call a cow on a trampoline? See also Talking casually gives you more leeway for jokes. How to describe the new Martin Luther King statue? contact IPSO here, 2001-2023. He has also had a brush with copyright issues when his content was allegedly plagiarised by a humour website. Really watch comics whove just done better than you to the same audience. Thanks for explaining the word many to me, it means a lot. That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine, Do you know what I love most about baseball? I said, Yes, of course. So I always want as many people to see it as possible. I used to be into ham radio, but all I could hear was crackling. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer. Richard Lewis, My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. It was the year in which the subject of civil rights in America had come to the fore, and so come the publication of In The Heat Of The Night it was immediately put into a bracket of being culturally - even politically - significant. Gary Delaney is a stand-up comedian and writer . My observational comedy improved. Sara Pascoe, Trumps nothing like Hitler. Its not unusual, he replied. See also Release Dates|Official Sites|Company Credits|Filming & Production|Technical Specs Some of his jokes were not received well, particularly one where he said that people from Jersey were trying to shake off their tax avoidance tag and get back to their traditional reputation as Nazi sympathisers. This did not sit well with the residents of Jersey. A man entered a local papers pun contest. Things got a little tense. COLLABRO RETURNS TO LONDON WITH A BRAND-NEW CONCERT TOUR THIS CHRISTMAS! No one else can deliver jokes at such volume and velocity nor with such scatter gun abandon. Whats the point?Alexei Sayle, Im looking for the girl next door type. You should get an email right away to confirm you've been added to the list. Always listen to the audience, they ultimately decide what is funny and they will tell you who you are, and what you should be saying., Gary Delaney plays the Cornerstone Didcot on Saturday. Ill give you an example. In response, the BBC reiterated that Mock the Week contains irreverent humour and that the comment was obviously tongue-in-cheek. Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club (2019 Video) Plot Showing all 0 items Jump to: Summaries It looks like we don't have any Plot Summaries for this title yet. What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes There are almost 1,300 comedy shows at this years Edinburgh Festival Fringe, each of them vying for your laughter. Yup, his visa expired.Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop(2014), I think jokes about learning difficulties are OK so long as theyre clever is like saying I think jokes about blind people are OK so long as theyre visual Brendon Burns (2013), I just bought underwater headphones and its made me loads faster. Her choice. 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners JUN 26 2020 House Of Fun Comedy Club Honestly its madness gone politically correct. Blue sky at night: day. Tom Parry (2015), It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it youre adding raisins and marshmallows its a rocky road. Olaf Falafel (2016), I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you cant have your kayak and heat it.
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